Mother's worst nightmare!

January 12, 2022

Driving to the hospital felt like a dream. You know those dreams that feel so real, but you know they aren’t? How I wish that day would be a nightmare. But no, this is my reality. What happened to my son is natural. The pain, loss, and grief are real.

My sister arrived almost immediately after I hung up the phone. She didn't ask questions; she just asked me to get in the car. We drove quietly. Neither one of us knew what to say or what to expect. We were not ready for what was waiting for us at the hospital. The streets I had seen so many times seemed foreign. The traffic noise was loud but at the same time quiet. I don't remember the walk from the parking lot into the lobby.

Once I arrived at the lobby, I told the receptionist I was there to see my son, and she looked for him in the system. For that one moment, I held my breath. I prayed and hoped she would look up at me and say, “Oh yeah, he is in the waiting area, ready for you to take him home.” Instead, she said someone would get me shortly and to wait in the isolation box while they came. My entire family tested positive for Covid a few days earlier.

When the social worker came to get us, we walked in silence. My stomach felt empty and in knots. I did not know what to expect or what I would see. Nothing would prepare me for the image engraved in my mind for life.

Down the end of the hall, I saw a lot of medical personnel. I knew he was there. I hoped I was wrong, but I knew he was there. When I finally made it to his room, I saw him in bed, surrounded by a lot of doctors and nurses. I saw and felt the urgency in them in the room. One doctor came to talk to me and asked my son’s name and, I am sure other questions that I can’t remember. I could not hear his voice after the initial questions. All my focus and energy was on trying not to yell and run to hold my son. Then he asked a question that brought me out of my daze. “I am sorry to have to ask this, but if his heart stops beating, would you like us to try to bring him back?”