Where is Papa?

I have shared a lot about my son’s physical recovery. However, I have not shared much about our mental and emotional recovery.

I can only speak to my healing process. My kids have and will continue to have different ways of healing, feeling, and thinking. My job is to support them and give them a safe space to feel whatever they feel. I had to learn this very early on.

When everything happened, I was in shock; I was confused, scared, worried, and angry. Even though I know this incident was the result of mental health, it doesn't hurt it any less.

I think my mind and heart were protecting me. As if I am only able to deal with so much pain that it only allowed me to deal with the pain I felt for my son. So I wasn't dealing with how my son got to this point. There are so many complex layers in our healing process from what happened. I wasn't ready to deal with Mike.

But I could see, once my son was aware, that he had questions. He would look at the posters full of pictures I made for him to hang in his room. I would see him sitting in his bed with wondering eyes looking for something or someone. I knew he was looking for his dad. He could not communicate with me. But I knew!

I shared that his first word was five. After that word, he said I love you and even sang Happy Birthday. I didn't share what happened the rest of that day. I wasn't ready to share that part yet.

That day late in the evening, while we were waiting for his dinner. I was holding him. He was sitting on my lap while I was sitting on the recliner. We were looking out the window, watching traffic go by. Then he said. "Where is Papa?"

I could not speak. I had a lump in my throat that would not allow any noise to come out. I did not want to scare or worry K . So with all the strength I had in me; I said, "Hold on, I'll be right back."

I put him in his bed and walked out of the room. Tears came out flooding. I couldn't stop them. The wound that I was attempting to cover with a bandaid opened up. Not only did it open up, but it was still bleeding.

The nurse came to check on me. She called my social worker, and another nurse went in to hang out with K while I composed myself.

I didn't know what to say. I needed help!

The neuropsychologist came and talked to me. The doctor gave me a response to provide K. with Something she said would hold him off for a few weeks. She said they didn't expect this at this time. It caught all of us by surprise.

After I spoke to her, I was ready to go in. K looked at me from his bed with worry in his eyes. I smiled at him to reassure him that he had done nothing wrong and I was ok.

Once the nurse walked out. Again K said, "Where is Papa? I then answered. With a straightforward response, “Papa can't be here right now." That was it. All he needed was an acknowledgment of his question.

This interaction was only the start of a very complex conversation I would have with my son.